I've thrown around the idea of writing a blog for the past few years. I've always loved journaling, so when I bought my fancy MacBook four years ago, I decided to go digital. It was at that time I first pondered creating a blog. I had read a few, and found some great points of view from other people, but felt I would prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, and allow my posterity to one day unravel the "mystery" that was Paul Banks Cooley. My final decision was to create a journal using MS Word. I have been through so much the past four years, and often documented the sad, and lonely feelings I was experiencing in my life. I had been diligent in writing in my digital journal, but as with many other things in my life, I didn't back up my computer to an external location. My computer died twice in 2 years, and I was unable to retrieve the data.
Sometimes I wonder if not having these few years of my life recorded is somewhat of a blessing. I had been in some dark places, and had been at the lowest point I had ever been in my life. Although I wish I could read about the good times, I'm happy to bury the bad, and once again climb to a place that will make me happy- as I feel I had always been in my life.
The past year has brought me many blessings. I have begun to emerge from my funk, and see the good in the world. I've begun to shed the pessimistic skin that started to grow soon after being let go from a job I loved and worked for 13 years- and I've gathered the pieces of my heart which have been scattered for a while and know that I can give it to somebody once again without fear. The catalyst for this shift is the example and compassion of my mother!
After spending 2 years in St. George, I decided it was time to move back to SLC. I had sold my house on 3rd east, and was barely making enough to live. I didn't know where to go, or how I'd make it work. In a moment of meditation, I knew I had to be humble, and do what was necessary to make my life happy- I did what every 38 year old man would love to do.... I asked my parents if I could move into their home while I figured things out. I had always told myself that I wouldn't ever do such a thing!! But it was my only option. My parents welcomed me with love, a big bedroom, and the most delicious food in the world. Being in their home has been the privilege of a lifetime!!
My mother is the reason I'm living. I think I could have given up many times the past few years, but her encouragement, and belief in me has been profound. I have no greater cheerleader than my mom- and no better example. I can wake up daily knowing that she will be there to wish me a good morning, smile at me, and express her love and appreciation for all that I do for them. I often feel like I don't do anything, and just last week said "Don't you love telling your friends that your "loser" son lives with you?" She laughed and said "Well, you're not a loser, because you've done so much with your life. If you were a loser, I'd let you know!" I silently sit back and take note of her compassion and generosity. She goes without so that others have. She will make food for neighbors, visit those who are sick, volunteer her time to the clubs and auxilleries with which she has affiliation, and listens to those who need to vent. She does this all with love. I could make a list of the things she has done for others in just this week alone, and it would put many to shame who do nothing. I've remembered that people really matter, and that even our enemies deserve good things to happen to them- perhaps to soften their hearts, or to soften our own and realize that maybe they aren't that bad. (That being said, I still have about four people in my life that are the benefactors of all my bad thoughts. I DO wish bad things upon a few people, and hope to overcome that in the future.) I think if I continue to follow my moms example, and keep working toward regaining my happy life, I will eventually be at peace with everything.
So..... I come to this blog. I've decided that it's better to share my thoughts, and hopefully be an ambassador of love and peace- of KINDNESS! Plus, I don't think I'll lose the data this way, and I can look back four years from now and see my growth.
As I've taken of the blindfold, and opened my eyes the past month, I have observed deeds that have touched my heart.
With this blog, I hope to document the good things I see in life. I'll also use it as a journal, and I'll try to be as frank and open as possible. I may feel a bit exposed, but I think it will be good for me. I try to incorporate humor into everything I do, so I hope to make this something fun to read as well.
Since this is an introduction, and the initial entry for my blog, I think I'll end here. Feel free to comment, ask questions, share your own experiences, and etc.
